Monty Python, the Sarmatian Knights and A Roman
by infernalnightstepper
Summary: King Arthur meets King Arthur.


NOW with ADDED LINEBREAKS!

**This came about from watching too much King Arthur and Monty Python And The Holy Grail.**

**Blame the Pythons and Antoine Fuqua for this idiocy.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters except Kay and Agravaine (and I don't even really own them!)**

**And yes, Sirs Bors, Gawain and Ector **_**were**_** in Monty Python & the Holy Grail (if you squint. They get killed by the white rabbit)**

**Also: MP knights and KA knights will be distinguished as such: MP knights will be referred to as "Sir"**

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

The sound of coconuts reverberated through the air and a flash of gold amongst the trees gave alarm to any innocent animal passing by that there was some sort of metallic monster lurking beyond the leaves.

In reality, it was a middle-aged man with a beard.

Oh, the crushing truth.

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

We shall now digress from this charming forest scene.

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

Lucius Artorius Castus was not having a very good day. Several nights before, Tristan had come down with a fever and had been unable to accompany them yesterday, as they escorted a bunch of Roman officers to the far reaches of Hadrian's Wall, to one of the decrepit and laughable little forts that stood there as an outpost.

On the way back, they had been attacked by a band of woads and herded into a trap in a gulley, which they _would_ have known about if Tristan had been there, and the only thing that saved them was their better knowledge of the territory.

Arthur was slumping forward in his saddle, yawning in a highly undignified manner. They had been riding all night. He was tired, and so was everyone else.

"Are we there yet?" Kay groaned, shifting in his saddle.

"Stop whining," Galahad muttered. "You sound like a child."

_Oh_,_ here we go_… Arthur groaned to himself.

"_I'm_ a child?" Kay sounded affronted. Galahad caught his meaning and huffed sharply, looking as though he wanted to tackle Kay to the ground and pummel him.

"Hey now," Gawain interrupted in his languid tone, maneuvering his horse in between the two. "We're all a little tired. Don't let's provoke each other."

Kay and Galahad rolled their eyes simultaniously.

Arthur breathed a sigh of relief. Trust Gawain to hold the peace.

Arthur pulled on the reins and looked around him. They were in a forest clearing, surrounded by patches of thick thorns, and the trees around them were thin and nearly branchless; it would be diffcult for the woads to attack them there.

"We'll rest here," Arthur announced, and before he even finished speaking, the Sarmatians all but fell from their horses. Arthur himself dismounted rather quickly…or, as quickly as his tired limbs would allow, and sank greatfully against a tree with his eyes blessedly closed.

"Gawain, will you…"

Gawain was already asleep.

Arthur sighed. "Lancelot?"

No answer. Either the kight was also asleep, or he was being a jackass. Somehow, Arthur knew it was the latter. Somehow, he was too tired to go over there and kick the bastard.

"Bors. Take first watch."

Bors gave a grunt.

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

"…Tell me again, Sir Bedivere, exactly how did you find that the earth is banana-shaped?"

"Well, My Liege, if we take into account space and time…"

"I always thought the earth was round," Sir Robin admitted under his breath to Sir Galahad. Sir Galahad gave him a funny look.

Sir Launcelot looked up at the heavens and let out a sigh. Hearing the sound of coconuts all day could make one go mad. "My Liege, just _where_ are we going, exactly?"

"To Camelot of course, Sir Launcelot."

"Didn't we just pass it, My Liege?"

"Be quiet, or I will unleash the word _Ni_ upon you."

"Yes, of course My Liege. Right away, My Liege."

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

They were off at full gallop, spread out in formation, with Arthur at the front. Everyone was again in good spirits, except for Kay, who was never in good spirits. That was just how it was.

They rode fast and without much mishap, excepting when and made it within sight of the Fort by nightfall. It was then that Arthur was made aware of another horse drawing up beside the formation.

"Tristan, I see you're feeling better," he remarked. Tristan shrugged, riding abreast of Arthur.

"I feared you might have gotten lost."

Arthur glared. Tristan sensed the danger and quickly fell back, taking his place in formation behind Agravaine. He knew better than to anger Lucius Artorius Castus.

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

King Arthur held up his hand. "Woah, there!"

They had come to a large stone structure.

"My Liege, if I may…" Sir Bedivere began, "I do believe this is a Wall."

"Yes, I see that."

"No, no. A _Wall_, My Liege. Not only is it a wall, but it is also a Wall."

Sirs Launcelot, Galahad, and Robin all gave him funny looks. Sirs Bors, Gawain and Ector were far in the back, since they weren't as important, and so didn't hear anything. Because, well, _they_ didn't go on any quests of peril, now, did they?

Except for the siege of Castle Anthrax. Which was quite perilous. Indeed, Sir Galahad was in grave peril. Perilous peril, even. He was in peril so great, that it was not just perilous peril, but peril greater that peilous peril. Now, that is very perilous.

"Bedivere, has all of this peril gone to your brains?"

"What do you mean? I was never in any peril. Except for the Knights of Ni, who are very perilous. Even more perilous than…"

"_**GET ON WITH IT**_!"

Oh, very well.

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

It was a rather tiring night, and even after the rest-up in the forest, Arthur felt the effects of running like Hell from the woads and riding nonstop for two days.

It was not very pleasant.

Right now, he was thoroughly enjoying a hot bath.

He had just relaxed into the water when…

"Arthur!"

"What in God's name do you _want_ from me?" Arthur exploded, supremely annoyed.

There was silence at the other side of the door, and suddenly Arthur felt remorseful.

"All right, all right. What do you need, Dagonet?"

Silence.

"Dagonet, are you there?"

More silence.

"Dag-o-net."

More…you get the picture.

"DAGONET, I'M SORRY."

"_Truly_, Arthur?"

Arthur nearly jumped out of his scented bathwater. He hadn't really expected the silent Sarmation to _still be_ _outside his room_. "What the Hell, you creeper!"

Another wounded silence.

Arthur sighed and rubbed his forehead with his thumb and middle finger.

Suddenly, the door to his room creaked open, and Arthur jumped again. "I'M IN THE BATH, YOU NOSY SARMATIAN."

The door shut quickly, more out of fear of Arthur's wrath than anything else.

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

"HELLO!"

The Knights of the Round Table exchanged glances. Their Liege had been at it for over an hour and twenty-two minutes, and there was still no reply.

"HELLO!"

Sir Launcelot was starting to get fidgety. "My Liege, no matter how much you shout, I don't think any Frenchmen will pop up and start tossing chickens. Perhaps we should be a bit more….er…"

"Knightly, sir?" supplied Concord from the rear of the group of servants.

"Knightly! And not stand at the very edge of the trees, which happens to be far out of shouting distance, in which case though you have been shouting for over an hour and twenty-two minutes, the good people of this _Wall_ as the good Sir Bedivere puts it, won't hear you. And besides, not being Knightly isn't good for my own particular…um…"

"Idiom, sir?"

"Idiom!"

King Arthur, who had been searching the Wall for some sign of life from their vantagepoint at the edge of the trees (well out of firing range, so that a projectile such as a cow would not be a danger), now turned round and said, with great impatience and Kingly restraint; "_What_?"

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

**Reviews are always welcome!**


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